In this weekly column series, Bernie Shelly explores the strange, funny rituals of everyday surf life — from awkward line-up conversations and endless paddle-outs to bruised egos and near-collisions in the surf. At the centre is Ichabod: intense, stubborn and fiercely focused, the perfect foil for Bernie’s dry humour and sharp observations about friendship, etiquette and the absurd beauty of sharing waves with other people.
20. Surfing Topless.
I’m convinced that Ichabod is nearsighted. I’m counting on it.
A few girlfriends and I are on a feminist mission. Why shouldn’t we surf topless? If the boys may, why not us?
When the water and air temperature allows, we set the date and meet at our chosen semi-isolated spot. But at the last minute my not-woman friend wants in. Of course. As long as he and his myopia stay at a distance, he will be spared the awkwardness of the natural development of these sorts of encounters.
Giggling and splashing and behaving like girls, we paddle out. Ichabod follows at a distance, wearing very baggy baggies over cycling shorts. He is prepared not to be embarrassed should anything untoward occur — as happened to him at Mavericks that time.
I think I was mistaken about the myopia. My suspicions were first aroused when I noticed Ichabod’s mouth remaining open. Wide open.
And his frequently bumping into people who are clearly in front of his eyes.
And his falling off easy waves whenever he was confronted with a vision.
And why does he forget to duck dive or turn turtle when an alluring surfer is poised on a wall in front of him?
Before long there are spectators on the shore. And Ichabod remembers he has a meeting and he has to get out. Immediately. Right now.
But nature and the selfish gene are hard at work to propagate, to multiply, to populate the earth. And Ichabod’s assembled parts are up to the challenge today. Genes are not aware of social and geographical situations. But a Victorian upbringing is.
So we all get out and the gene-carrier stays in the water until his lips are blue and the tumescence subsides. By then we are well into our second coffee. And he has missed his meeting.
The silver lining: one of the alluring persons tells me that she finds Ichabod endearing.
And she’d like to meet him.
So there’s that.
Check in next week for more lessons with Ichabod.