In this new regular column series, Bernie Shelly explores the strange, funny rituals of everyday surf life — from awkward line-up conversations and endless paddle-outs to bruised egos and near-collisions in the surf. At the centre is Ichabod: intense, stubborn and fiercely focused, the perfect foil for Bernie’s dry humour and sharp observations about friendship, etiquette and the absurd beauty of sharing waves with other people.
2. Coping With The Long Paddle-out.
“It’ll only take a minute. Two, tops.”
For a moment I thought he meant having sex. But he’s too Victorian to venture there.
He meant the paddle out. On a big day at Muizenberg.
I scanned the far edge of the backline. It seemed close to the horizon. More like fifteen minutes, I estimated. Ten at best.
“See you out there,” I said.
He didn’t answer and I know why. He reckons that by now I ought to know not to be too chummy out in the water, not to talk to him. He needs to focus. Intently.
So I set off on the epic paddle towards Simon’s Town. Which, for those who don’t know Muizenberg — is very far away.
My long-paddle strategy is firstly to sing to myself as I battle the relentless phalanxes that are determined to force me back to shore. I choose a ditty that fits the rhythm of my paddling. It eases the white water skirmishes.
Secondly, I tell myself that I’ll just go to the middle and catch the odd ones that haven’t yet broken — the non-set waves, or the reforms — knowing that once I get to the middle there will be longer periods between waves and more often than not, a clear break with maybe one or two at most to bash through or turtle roll under.
At the back I waited for Ichabod. “Two minutes, heh?” With a grand dramatic flourish I checked my watch. “Twelve minutes.”
“I hit an impact zone. Interminable,” he huffs and puffs, sitting with his back to the horizon. Too late I see what he obviously doesn’t. I turtle roll and he gets obliterated.
He’s having a psychotic episode, talking to his damaged self-image. Or perhaps he’s just choking.
I’m trying to be polite so I ignore what just happened and intently focus on something pleasant:
“Twelve minutes is more likely to satisfy than just two minutes,” I say.
He stares at me.
When he’s in a more receptive mood I’ll explain it to him.
Check in next week for more lessons with Ichabod.