In this weekly column series, Bernie Shelly explores the strange, funny rituals of everyday surf life — from awkward line-up conversations and endless paddle-outs to bruised egos and near-collisions in the surf. At the centre is Ichabod: intense, stubborn and fiercely focused, the perfect foil for Bernie’s dry humour and sharp observations about friendship, etiquette and the absurd beauty of sharing waves with other people.
12. Ichabod Makes a Choice.
“I’m going to buy a longboard,” he tells me after an epic battle to get his mid length moving in knee high waves at Muizenberg. His knees hurt from all the pumping.
So begins our investigative odyssey through every surf shop and board builder in the peninsula. I notice on our third follow-up round how the sales assistants scramble for cover when we enter the shops.
The main issue is whether to buy a thruster set-up or a traditional style log. Three fins or one. Ichabod tends towards three fins — you get more for your money. When a board builder points out that the fins cost extra, he changes his mind. Also, if he got a thruster the board could be scarcely nine foot but a log prescribes more length.
He likes the idea of having more length.
“Only compulsory if you intend competing. In WSL events. Rules, you know,” I point out. He says that competitiveness is an anathema to the soul of his newly chosen lifestyle — he has come to appreciate the grace and form of traditional surfing.
An assistant tells us that the rails of a log must be soft. I have to reassure Ichabod that we’re talking about the rails. So, with no lascivious intent, he strokes the rails to feel the 50/50ness.
“A sharp resin edge is specifically made for performance, so that the board allows for the surfer to do sharp, fast and vertical manoeuvres. Performance longboarding emulates shortboard surfing, even if a few hang fives are thrown into the mix,” says the assistant.
“Traditional longboard style has none of shortboard traits such as pumping the board to try to generate speed or whipping the board into vertical hit-the-lips.”
Ichabod glares at his knees.
“A softer rail means, because of complicated hydrodynamics, that your turns will be softer. Never harsh, and never jerky.”
The assistant is slowly losing us. Ichabod to anxiety, me to languor.
“Soft rails on the tail allow water to flow over and suck the tail of the board into the wave, enabling a more stable, longer nose ride, particularly in the ‘pocket’ or critical breaking edge of the wave.”
We both nod as though we know what the heck he is talking about.
“A heavy board compels you to turn more slowly and gracefully, without bouncing, carrying consistent speed and flow throughout the wave, using the board’s natural momentum.”
I look longingly at the door.
Ichabod checks that the board is heavy enough for Duct Tape criteria: he is of similar proportions to Joel Tudor, albeit he’s more seedy.
He chooses a square tail, acknowledging that a pintail is pointless as he doesn’t intend taming dragons. And also he has become entranced with the notion of cross stepping on small waves.
Then there is the leash plug — truly committed logging requires no leash. And he grapples with terms such as tail kick, concave, step deck, rolled bottom. I grapple with thoughts of lunch.
Then we have a full week of researching and examining fins. The fin needs to be at least eight inches from the moulded base to the highest point for some hydrodynamic reason, soon to be explained.
Eight inches.
He gets that stricken look and I have to remind him we’re talking fins.
“It helps to stabilise and to hold the board’s tail in the wave for nose riding and encourages a slower turn. It’s only on a bigger wave that a large fin will slow the board — on a small wave a fair sized fin causes tension that propels the board forward,” says the salesman.
The info goes over my head and in any case, I’m sick of it.
By the fourth week of dithering, Ichabod is completely overwhelmed. It’s all too much for his nerves.
He has abandoned the board search and has taken up crocheting. I miss him.
Check in next week for more lessons with Ichabod.